Letter to me.....

I was listening to some music while facespacing it and Brad Paisley's song "Letter to me" came on. If you aren't familiar with it, it talks about what he would say if he could send a letter to his 17 year old self. My wheels started spinning and if I could send a letter to me at 17 this is what I would have to say. Let's face it, I wouldn't write a letter as much as give bullet points. What can I say, I like to make organized lists :)

1. I know switching high schools is rough but try to go with it instead of against it. Get involved. Join some groups. Do something with your time. Oh, and don't ditch so much or fail P.E. Seriously, who fails P.E.?

2. Don't let your parents divorce weigh on you. Sometimes people aren't meant to be together. It has nothing to do with you.

3. You don't know it now but your daddy will become your best friend.

4. Find some self confidence. Your negative self image is only going to damage you. It is a daily struggle still. Tell yourself, you aren't fat. Freckles aren't the end of the world. Gingers become a "thing" to be. You won't always be taller than everyone. You will get braces and take care of that flat chest. Way to go :)

5. Continue not being consistent with the whole safe sex thing. Isiah is one of the most amazing things that will ever happen to you.

6. Just because you have amazing skin now doesn't mean you always will. Can we do some preventative maintenance please?

7. Wear shorts! I don't care how white and blinding your legs are!

8. People will mistake your blunt and honest personality for being an asshole. Don't...wait....no, this is right. You are an asshole!

I am sure that I can think of plenty of more things I would tell the old me or maybe I can't. I like to think that everything the 17 year old me did, good or bad, has made me who I am today. I am pretty ok with that :)

You think you know, but you have no idea!

This is the part of my blog where you get to know me. Congratulations! lol. I will not bore you with a survey about my favorite color or the last thing I drank. Instead, I will bore you with the old 25 random (key word) facts about me. You're welcome :)

1. My children are the best part of me.

2. I think I am a comedian and I laugh at my own jokes.

3. I have had plastic surgery and I am not ashamed to admit it.

4. I over analyze everything.

5. I wish I didn't have freckles.

6. I like to make points by using examples. A lot.

7. I have some OCD tendencies.

8. I am a very picky eater. Not only with what it is I eat but with the way it is prepared.

9. I love scary movies.

10. I feel the need to take care of everyone around me before myself.

11. I don't eat plain chocolate.

12. I sometimes sing during conversation instead of talking.

13. I am deathly afraid of sharks.

14. Feet gross me out.

15. I consider myself a work in progress.

16. I still giggle like a 12 year old when people make comments that sound sexual but aren't meant to be.

17. I rarely wear matching socks.

18. I will always be a daddy's girl.

19. I am trying to stop cussing.

20. Maury is my guilty pleasure.

21. I love football.

22. I am the queen of random knowledge.

23. I love the 80's. The music, the wild hair and the awful yet awesome fashion.

24. I think submarines are creepy.

25. I will always stand up for what I believe in and I am not afraid to stand alone.

You see, what had happened was.......

People often ask how Rj and I met and it always makes me laugh. Not the question, but the answer. It happens to be one of my favorite stories because it is random and silly and it lead us to where we are today. So, here it is. I will try to give you the cliff notes version.

Oddly enough, we went to the same high school and didn't know each other. He will tell you that he remembers who I was but I was completely oblivious to the fact that he existed. He played on the same basketball team with my ex husband so I am positive I saw him and that I just didn't pay attention.

Fast forward to 2003. I was newly married to my ex husband and we went to watch a Sanger High football game. When it was over we ran into Rj and his ex wife (this is the first time I have met either of them. Follow me here). They told us they had just bought a house and asked us if we wanted to come by and see it. Sure, why not. A few weeks later we went back to celebrate his ex wife's birthday. Rj and I got in trouble that night for breaking a Smirnoff bottle (yes, people drink that crap) on the patio. Opps!

Fast forward to February 2006. I was moving to Long Beach with Isiah to live with my dad and my friends threw me a going away party. My ex husbands best friend (go with it) who was Rj's roommate drug him out to see me off. They were actually the first ones to show up and I asked Rj where his wife was. He held up his left hand and said "I am getting a divorce". What do you know, so was I! I spent a lot of the night trying to get his attention. Ok, I spent the whole night getting sloppy drunk but he was on my mind too. lol. A few days after the party he calls me and I was pretty excited. Until he asked for my sisters number. Excuse me, what? I gave it up and threw in there she had a boyfriend before I hung up. Are you shocked he asked for her number? Right? He claims that he got nervous to ask me out and since my sister was hanging out with us that night that is all he could think to throw out there. Whatevs!

Fast forward to July 2006. It was the 4th of July and my dad answers my phone. I hear him say "Sure Rj Newman I will tell her you called." I yelled "Don't hang up" and ran down a hill (yes a hill. In a bikini. lol) to get my phone. Rj gives me some line about how they are driving to Mexico and he wants to know if I want to go. Um, go to Mexico with a guy I barely know? That sounds like the perfect thing to do. NOT. What do you think his intentions were? lol. I didn't hear from him for a few more weeks and at the end of July I started talking to him on Myspace. We talked (alright, mostly texts. Rj was shy) on the phone for a few weeks. I was going to be in Fresno for a few days and he asked if I wanted to get together for a drink. I thought a drink and I guess he was thinking date. I didn't even know this guy liked me and the next thing you know the whole 3 days was spent with him and then I was back in town every week for my days off.

The rest as they say is history......November 2006, I move back to good ol' Sanger and get an apartment down the street from him. March of 2007, we move in together. November 10, 2007, we get married. Almost 4 years and 2 beautiful kids later here we are :)

You do what for a living?

Asking someone what they do for a living is the age old small talk ice breaker. When running into old friends or making new ones it is not likely you will escape the conversation without being asked. For stay at home moms like me, this has become a dreaded topic. Not because I feel like my work at home is any less than your work outside of the home but because of the responses (or faces) that usually follow the "I stay at home with my children" reply.

Here are some of my favorites.......

1. "I wish I could sit at home all day" - Yes, because sitting is what I get to do. Ever.
2. "It must be so nice to get to nap when you want" - What is a nap?
3. "I would get to watch all my favorite shows" - I hope your favorite shows are cartoons!
4. "You must get bored" - This is laughable.
5. "I could get all my chores done during the week instead of the weekend" - Good luck with that. Try squeezing "all" your choirs in during nap time.

I usually laugh it off because it really isn't worth my time trying to explain to them what exactly being a stay at home mom to a baby and a toddler means. It means I am a cook, a maid, a nurse, a judge, a detective, a teacher, a chauffeur, a referee, a jungle gym and a story teller. I am a lap to sit in and a shoulder to cry on. It means I am on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I don't get sick or vacation days. It means my wages come in the form of hugs and kisses.

It means I have the best job in the world!

Although we never met, we will always love you

Not many people know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. It isn't new, it has actually been around since 1988. For some reason pregnancy and infant loss seems to be a taboo subject and people often grieve in silence. At times, I find it awkward to speak with people about my experience and am even a little uneasy about sharing my experience with you now. I believe that no matter what gestation, a baby is a life. A part of two people. A baby is loved from the very start.

In July, after Rj asked me to marry him, we decided that I would get off of my birth control so that we could start a family right after our wedding. Little did we know I would become pregnant that same month. I knew I was pregnant, I had a feeling and the stupid tests were telling me I wasn't! lol. Finally, a few days after getting a negative result I got a positive. When I got my positive test from the doctor I was 3 weeks and 6 days along. Told you I knew :)

Soon the morning sickness turned into weakness and pain. At 5 1/2 weeks I was put off of work and onto bed rest just as a precaution. I had a pretty large cyst on my right ovary and the doctor explained to me that it was probably the reason for all of the pain. Even though I wasn't well, things seemed to be progressing with the pregnancy just fine. Around 9 1/2 weeks I had a little spotting but was assured that all was well. Over the next couple of weeks I slowly started feeling better. I even mentioned to Rj that I didn't "feel pregnant" which he thought was a horrible thing to say. We started a baby book, we picked names, we started making room and we started planning for our child's future.

On October 8, 2007, I was 12 weeks and 6 days along and going in for an ultrasound. Rj had to be in Bakersfield for work so I asked my sister in-law Rachel if she would go with me so I wasn't alone. As we sat in the waiting room I was so nervous. Rachel asked me what I was worried about and I told her that I was afraid something would be wrong. I remember saying "What if there isn't a heart beat". She did her best to calm my nerves and soon I was on the table waiting for the doctor to come in. There was joy when he walked into the room. He was laughing and telling us how skilled he was and that he may even be able to take a guess at the sex. Rachel and I smiled. I was getting to see my baby and she was the first person to have a sneak preview. In that moment, all the fears I was experiencing in the waiting room were gone. Fear turned into excitement which soon turned into sorrow.

As soon as he focused in on the baby he quickly moved over to my ovary to explain the cyst was still there. I looked at him and quietly said "I saw, I know". My heart sank and everything from that moment on became surreal. It was like I was there and going through the motions but it was all passing by slowly. It was almost as if time stood still. He moved back over to the baby and showed us where the heart should be beating. No one said much. He took a few measurements and said it looked as though he had passed on a week or two before. After handing me a few sonogram pictures he left the room for me to get dressed. Rachel and I stared at each other in disbelief before we finally started crying. It was real. I was dying inside. As we went over the options with the doctor I was glazed over. I wasn't processing much and I asked Rachel if she could listen for me, if she could process it because I couldn't. I was lost inside myself. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have her there holding me up.

I made the decision to go to the hospital and have a D&C. I couldn't sit around at home and wonder when the medication would make me miscarry. Make me go into labor. My heart couldn't handle anymore. I was booked to go into the hospital the next morning. Now, to call Rj and break the news to him. I don't remember what I said, if it made sense or if he even understood it through my sobbing. We decided that we would tell Isiah together that afternoon. We all sat on the floor and cried together. It was hard explaining to a child what it all meant when I didn't even want to believe it myself.

I felt like such a failure. I felt like I had done something wrong and that I had let Rj down. For days, weeks even, I kept apologizing to him. I knew it was beyond my control but I couldn't help but feel to blame. I would play it in my head over and over. Did I do this? Should I have done this? What would have happened if? If....if....if.....

After sometime of saying "the baby" or "that pregnancy" we decided to name our baby. We named him Nathaniel. It was actually the only baby named we had discussed and agreed upon. It helped to make him more special. After all, he was our first child. He deserved to be recognized. We deserved to try and find some peace with the situation and move on.

In a few days it will be 4 years since we had to say goodbye. Over the years it has gotten a little easier but it still hurts. We still feel like there is a piece of us missing. Although we never met, we will always love you.

Let's remember together. Wave of light. October 15th.

Here is a picture from last year's wave of light.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

Merry early Christmas to me!!! I have to thank my wonderful in-laws and my hubby for going in together to get me my first gun! You guys are amazing. I can't even express how excited I am. It was 11 long days but she is home :)

Brand spanking new!

Rj put her together beautifully!

The smile on my face says it all (Please pay no mind to the fact that I am hot and sweaty)

Car Seat Business

While I will always know where I stand on my opinions of things, I often don't voice what side of the argument I am on because people often get defensive if it isn't their side. For all of you mothers who are reading this, it is your decision and I an not in any way attacking your parenting skills. For those of you without kiddos, this post is in regards to the new car seat laws suggesting that children be rear facing until they are 2 years old.

Car seat laws or suggestions have long been debated and I can't really understand why. If there is valid proof that your child is SAFER rear facing for longer, why would anything but even be considered? The health and safety of your child should never be up for conversation. Think about all the crazy things you hear could effect your pregnancy and without knowing if they are true or not, you abide by them. You stop drinking caffeine, you don't eat lunch meat, you don't have too much pineapple.....etc. You had control over your childs health and you still do.

I know the only reason you can come up with is "He looks squished" or "She seems uncomfortable". Think again. Unless your baby is screaming in pain (which I know they aren't) they are fine. If they are not in a comfortable position, they will move. Maybe they will stretch their feet against the seat or sit indian style. Look back to all the times you caught your child sleeping in some funky position and though "man, that can't be comfy". Well, they thought it was cause they stayed that way for hours!

We are talking large, life saving numbers here. I am not about to think I won't ever be in a situation where I have to find out if my decision changed my childs life. Car seat laws have changed so much in the last 10 years I have been raising babies and I will continue to change with them. That is, until something outrageous like strapping your kid to the outside of the car is safer comes along. Ha! You laughed and said "yeah right" didn't you? Well, that is how I feel about not listening to safety regulations. Not gonna happen.


*Here is a link to an article regarding the new laws. You can find plenty more!

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/22/health/policy/22carseat.html