Although we never met, we will always love you

Not many people know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. It isn't new, it has actually been around since 1988. For some reason pregnancy and infant loss seems to be a taboo subject and people often grieve in silence. At times, I find it awkward to speak with people about my experience and am even a little uneasy about sharing my experience with you now. I believe that no matter what gestation, a baby is a life. A part of two people. A baby is loved from the very start.

In July, after Rj asked me to marry him, we decided that I would get off of my birth control so that we could start a family right after our wedding. Little did we know I would become pregnant that same month. I knew I was pregnant, I had a feeling and the stupid tests were telling me I wasn't! lol. Finally, a few days after getting a negative result I got a positive. When I got my positive test from the doctor I was 3 weeks and 6 days along. Told you I knew :)

Soon the morning sickness turned into weakness and pain. At 5 1/2 weeks I was put off of work and onto bed rest just as a precaution. I had a pretty large cyst on my right ovary and the doctor explained to me that it was probably the reason for all of the pain. Even though I wasn't well, things seemed to be progressing with the pregnancy just fine. Around 9 1/2 weeks I had a little spotting but was assured that all was well. Over the next couple of weeks I slowly started feeling better. I even mentioned to Rj that I didn't "feel pregnant" which he thought was a horrible thing to say. We started a baby book, we picked names, we started making room and we started planning for our child's future.

On October 8, 2007, I was 12 weeks and 6 days along and going in for an ultrasound. Rj had to be in Bakersfield for work so I asked my sister in-law Rachel if she would go with me so I wasn't alone. As we sat in the waiting room I was so nervous. Rachel asked me what I was worried about and I told her that I was afraid something would be wrong. I remember saying "What if there isn't a heart beat". She did her best to calm my nerves and soon I was on the table waiting for the doctor to come in. There was joy when he walked into the room. He was laughing and telling us how skilled he was and that he may even be able to take a guess at the sex. Rachel and I smiled. I was getting to see my baby and she was the first person to have a sneak preview. In that moment, all the fears I was experiencing in the waiting room were gone. Fear turned into excitement which soon turned into sorrow.

As soon as he focused in on the baby he quickly moved over to my ovary to explain the cyst was still there. I looked at him and quietly said "I saw, I know". My heart sank and everything from that moment on became surreal. It was like I was there and going through the motions but it was all passing by slowly. It was almost as if time stood still. He moved back over to the baby and showed us where the heart should be beating. No one said much. He took a few measurements and said it looked as though he had passed on a week or two before. After handing me a few sonogram pictures he left the room for me to get dressed. Rachel and I stared at each other in disbelief before we finally started crying. It was real. I was dying inside. As we went over the options with the doctor I was glazed over. I wasn't processing much and I asked Rachel if she could listen for me, if she could process it because I couldn't. I was lost inside myself. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have her there holding me up.

I made the decision to go to the hospital and have a D&C. I couldn't sit around at home and wonder when the medication would make me miscarry. Make me go into labor. My heart couldn't handle anymore. I was booked to go into the hospital the next morning. Now, to call Rj and break the news to him. I don't remember what I said, if it made sense or if he even understood it through my sobbing. We decided that we would tell Isiah together that afternoon. We all sat on the floor and cried together. It was hard explaining to a child what it all meant when I didn't even want to believe it myself.

I felt like such a failure. I felt like I had done something wrong and that I had let Rj down. For days, weeks even, I kept apologizing to him. I knew it was beyond my control but I couldn't help but feel to blame. I would play it in my head over and over. Did I do this? Should I have done this? What would have happened if? If....if....if.....

After sometime of saying "the baby" or "that pregnancy" we decided to name our baby. We named him Nathaniel. It was actually the only baby named we had discussed and agreed upon. It helped to make him more special. After all, he was our first child. He deserved to be recognized. We deserved to try and find some peace with the situation and move on.

In a few days it will be 4 years since we had to say goodbye. Over the years it has gotten a little easier but it still hurts. We still feel like there is a piece of us missing. Although we never met, we will always love you.

Let's remember together. Wave of light. October 15th.

Here is a picture from last year's wave of light.